BORN WITH A SILVER SPOON AND A PAPER PLATE.

2012-01-31T08:53:00.001-08:00

While he preached, Bevel's eyes followed drowsily the slow circle of two silent birds revolving high in the air. Across the river there was a low red and gold grove of sassafras with hills of dark blue trees behind it and an occasional pine jutting over the skyline. Behind, in the distance, the city rose like a cluster of warts on the side of the mountain. The birds revolved downward and

2012-01-30T16:23:00.001-08:00

I see myself writing the same thing over and over in here. Sorry.

2012-01-30T16:07:00.000-08:00

I've got to turn this solipsism into something productive. I feel ill. I'm sweating. Shambles, shame and shadows. Nonsense, common sense, awful scents, pay for your dinner with 99 cents. Always the moon rises or sets in the ocean. One or the other. From endless seas into endless seas. Read this. Roll your eyes.

Dysphoria

2012-01-30T15:32:00.000-08:00

I've never felt like this before. Not in my recent memory. Disenchanted. Sweaty palms. Empty brain. Inarticulate. A lightness. A weight. Exasperation. Where are all the other people like me? If I were happy, someone like me would piss me off. -What's with her? -Why does she have to be so indulgent in her own "sorrow"? -Stop with those rich kid blues. -No one cares. -She's got it

2012-01-30T14:16:00.001-08:00

I call myself The Misfit because I can't make what all I done wrong fit what all I gone through in punishment.

2012-01-14T14:31:00.000-08:00

I have a dear friend with a crippling disability: she is unable to move forward. Like a crab she can move side to side, moving backwards is second nature to her, but to the intrigue of many physical therapists, neuropsychologists, and other professionals who have examined her throughout the years, she cannot move forward. When asked to take a step she falters and invariably steps back, or to

2012-01-13T15:35:00.001-08:00

A mind for ever/ Voyaging through strange seas of Thought, alone.

Subway

2012-01-07T16:39:00.000-08:00

Katie and I were riding back to Manhattan from a party in Brooklyn on the L train. We had gotten on the train at the Morgan stop and were going to get out at 6th Avenue, so we had a 20 minute ride ahead of us. I shut my eyes and leaned my head back, in drunken tiredness. Katie nudged me and whispered excitedly, "Look, look!" In the space in between the cars there was a man looking in,

Wedding Parable

2012-01-07T16:13:00.000-08:00

So a little more than a year ago my brother and Mara had a joint birthday party. They were doing Karioke downtown on 2nd avenue where they had rented out a private room. I came by with a friend to watch my brother, Mara, and all their friends drunkenly sing. I even sung some songs. It was fun, everyone was jovial and drunk, just as birthdays should be. But when the song "Single Ladies" by

Ex Nihilo Nihil Fit

2012-01-07T14:32:00.000-08:00

And that's it. An entire childhood memorialized in four nearly irrelevant photographs. He grows sombre. "The worst of it, " he says, "is that I can hardly remember what my mother looks like any more. I can see her in my mind, but it's fleeting. As soon as I try to have a good look at her, she fades. It's the same with her voice. If I saw her again in the street, it would all come back.

Ni magnum nisi bonum. No greatness without goodness.

2012-01-07T14:29:00.000-08:00

I can well imagine an atheist's last words: "White, white! L-L-Love! My God!" - and the deathbed leap of faith. Whereas the agnostic, if he stays true to his reasonable self, if he stays beholden to dry, yeastless factuality, might try to explain the warm light bathing him by saying, "Possibly a f-f-failing oxygenation of the b-b-brain," an, to the very end, lack imagination and miss the better

2012-01-07T14:10:00.000-08:00

Words of divine consciousness: moral exaltation; lasting feelings of elevation, elation, joy; a quickening of the moral sense, which strikes one as more important than an intellectual understanding of things; an alignment of the universe along moral lines, not intellectual ones; a realization that the founding principle of existence is what we call love, which works itself out sometimes not

2012-01-07T13:56:00.001-08:00

Because we cannot deal with the complexity of the present, we often over-ride it and live in a simplified dream of the future. Because we cannot solve our own problems right here at home, we talk about problems out there in the world. An escape process goes on from the intolerable burden we have placed upon ourselves. But can one really feel deeply for an abstraction called the mass? Can one

2012-01-07T13:54:00.000-08:00

"When two creatures meet, the one that is able to intimidate its opponent is recognized as socially superior, so that a social decision does not always depend on a fight; an encounter in some circumstances may be enough. Socially inferior animals are the ones that make the most strenuous, resourceful efforts to get to know their keepers. They prove to be the ones most faithful to them, most in

2012-01-03T14:33:00.000-08:00

I just made the best list with Mark! Seriously. Makes it so easy.

New Years Eve Always Terrifies Me, Life Knows Nothing of Years.

2012-01-03T12:11:00.000-08:00

A New Year. A time of resolutions, realignment, restarting, reviving, re-re-re... reflecting and remembering before releasing. In the weeks before the New Year we remember, and as the clock ticks down to midnight we forget. We forget through drunkenness and celebration, like some sort of cathartic ritual meant to set our sight forward. After the ball drops, and the couples kiss, and the

2012-01-01T17:29:00.000-08:00

I've got to start working on a project. A writing project. I must become inspired. I must stop dragging my feet and instead put the petal to the metal and brainstorm. That's what'll bring me fulfillment, and I know it. Gosh this all sound so elementary, so basic, so obvious, but it's true. If you deny a "calling", some art you can truly lose yourself in, you will become physically sick.

2012-01-01T16:58:00.000-08:00

I can't shake this existential dread. It's this feeling like something is looming, but nothing is happening. Like my life is lacking in some meaningfulness that should be there. Like my world is as substantial as a flake of dirt and at any moment it could blow away. It's this feeling of emptiness. That's what I keep on drunkenly repeating to my friends: the void, the chaos, the abyss, the

2012-01-01T16:41:00.000-08:00

For it is only framed in space that beauty blooms. Only in space are events and objects and people unique and significant - and therefore beautiful. A tree has significance if one sees it against the empty face of the sky. A note in music gains significance from the silences on either side. A candle flowers in the space of night. Even small and casual things take on significance if they are

2011-12-25T14:28:00.001-08:00

The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere. That is why so much of social life is exhausting; one is wearing a mask.

2011-12-25T14:24:00.001-08:00

...how to remain whole in the midst of the distractions of life; how to remain balanced, no matter what centrifugal forces tend to pull one off center; how to remain strong, no matter what shocks come in at the periphery and tend to crack the hub of the wheel.

2011-12-22T09:56:00.000-08:00

"That's another thing about New York. No one smiles here," the old man said, turning to his younger companion as the three of us were exiting the elevator. I walked out of the building, scooting ahead of them and not bothering to hold the lobby door behind me. No one smiles here. No one smiles. Here. No one. Smiles. There were only three of us in the elevator. It seemed rather ridiculous

NEW YEARS THOUGHTZ

2011-12-12T12:54:00.000-08:00

Jane's Thoughts: I hope John kisses me at midnight this New Year's like he did last New Year. Maybe this time we'll even go farther than just kissing. I mean, anything could happen, it is New Years after all. Last New Years that kiss was just, I don't know, just perfect. And then when he touched my breasts and kissed my neck, ugh. It gets me warm even thinking about it. ...But we're just

2011-10-24T17:17:00.000-07:00

Nighttime comes fast because it is winter. Windows are far and few in my office, and I cannot watch the night descend. It comes as a surprise when I walk out the door, the small, annoying, and predictable kind of surprise, if there is such a thing. As I leave the building I am not in a good mood because I have just “worked,” and I don’t feel one step closer to anything. … I close my eyes and

Obsession

2011-10-24T17:07:00.001-07:00

You forests, like cathedrals, are my dread: You roar like organs.

Winter Walk

2011-10-24T17:06:00.001-07:00

While walking through Washington Square Park the day after a three-inch snowfall I crunch on New York’s famous sediment filled slush with the soles of my plastic boots. It makes a pleasing sound, like biting into a slightly melted popsicle. I walk towards good little piles of snow and step on them right in the middle, with purpose. I’m making my way towards my parents apartment on West 3rd. I

Writing: My Craft, My Voice

2011-10-24T15:56:00.000-07:00

Crafting a fine sentence is just so hot. Once my friend called me a "wordsmith." Such a compliment. The thing is: I'm stuck. I need to write in my "normal journal" (the one that is not on the internet) everyday until I unstick myself. Sometimes I wish I had an audience. I do send my friends my writing (rarely) and people do ask to read my writing, but it's like, intimidating, embarrassing

2011-10-24T15:34:00.000-07:00

When I was a teenager I let it all out on my old live journal. I was so honest and so emotional. In some ways I was such a bitch. In other ways I was so self deprecating. I had an outer layer of tenacious self confidence, and inside I was just a softy, like a crab. Sometimes it seems like teenagers have it all figured out. I mean obviously not. They're lost hormonal humans trying to assert

BLAH

2011-10-24T14:53:00.000-07:00

I always go through these phases. Phases of inspiration, phases of idleness, phases of confusion, phases of frustration, phases of phases, through phases, around phases, into phases, out of phases, back to phases, learning from phases, forgetting about phases, wishing I was in a different phase, and then wishing there were no phases at all. It's like I'm in a constant state of transition. A

2011-10-16T22:15:00.000-07:00

I am much more eloquent in writing than in speech. When words travel from my head down into my lungs, up my throat, and out my mouth - they so often become mush in the process. Like, gross mushed up banana's that have turned brown through oxidation. Ew.

Ah, The Personal Quarrel

2011-10-05T10:53:00.000-07:00

One context of dialogue is the personal quarrel, characterized by aggressive personal attack, heighten appeal to emotions, and the desire to win the argument at all costs. The quarrel is characterized by bitter recriminations, a loss of balanced perspective, and afterwards, most often regret for excessive personal attacks that were not meant or deserved. The quarrel is no friend of logic, and

2011-09-30T10:23:00.000-07:00

I have no patience today. None at all. I need to remember to be compassionate and understanding, especially when people are grating on my nerves. I also need distance.

2011-09-27T12:31:00.000-07:00

'Oh yes, it is good to be your age,' Anna continued. 'I remember and know that blue mist, like the mist on the Swiss mountains... that mist which envelops everything at that blissful time when childhood is just, just coming to an end, and its immense, blissful circle turns into an ever-narrowing path, and you enter the defile gladly yet with dread, though it seems bright and beautiful... Who has

2011-09-20T15:59:00.000-07:00

It's like the pot calling the kettle black. Really now. Stop criticizing other people for flaws that you quite clearly possess. It's getting hard to listen to.

And so it goes

2011-09-09T10:28:00.000-07:00

17. People want to be instantly and intuitively liked. Those persons who are perceived as forming opinions of others only after cautiously gathering and weighing the evidence are generally resented. Thus, it is imprudent to appear prudent. Which one of the following, if assumed, enables the argument's conclusion to be properly drawn? (A) People who act spontaneously are well liked. (B)

2011-09-09T09:41:00.000-07:00

So. The past two weeks I had a small existential crisis. I am so fucking happy it's over. I am back on track. I need to learn how not to let my anxiety take hold of my thoughts and close my options. In the past two weeks I have somberly told my parents that I will never get married, probably never have children, and wish to live a humble life making a living wage somewhere. I don't even know.

2011-09-01T14:13:00.000-07:00

My father had asked me to keep a journal during the hurricane. He requested that I document the storms progress each hour and then send my full report to him at the end of the night. I obliged, but being that the hurricane was a total fluke, the journal does not contain much storm reportage. My father is away in Cape Cod with my mother, and was sorely disappointed at the prospect of a hurricane

2011-09-01T12:39:00.000-07:00

THINKIN. LIFE IS TOUGH WHEN OTHER PEOPLE ARE TELLING YA WHAT TO DO. CONFUSION.

Mhm

2011-09-01T10:18:00.001-07:00

“This is what you shall do: love the earth and sun, and animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence towards the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown, or to any man or number of men; go freely with the powerful uneducated

2011-08-31T09:03:00.001-07:00

"No, Amma. The sky isn't blue. There's just white light. White light has all the colors of the rainbow in it, and when it is scattered through the squillions of molecules in the sky, the shortwave colors - blue, violet - they are the ones you see. The sky isn't really blue. It just looks that way. It's called Rayleigh scattering." A strange child with a cold intellect.

haha - good story in a comment on gakwer

2011-08-25T12:39:00.003-07:00

I grew up all over the United States, but graduated high school from a little rinky dink bordertown in Texas. About 19 years ago, I was away at college, and when I got my absentee ballot, I saw no one was running for mayor, so I wrote my name in. And, yes, I was elected mayor. It was an almost entirely honorary title. The town was unincorporated, and didn't even have fire or police. It paid $300

2011-08-24T14:24:00.000-07:00

Good diss to an ex who is with someone else: "Oh. Don't worry. I would never be jealous of someone who is seeing you." Yea I used that the other day. I didn't even mean it to be funny, I was just being honest and a tad mean I guess. But then we both laughed.

2011-08-24T14:18:00.000-07:00

Thinking you used to be smarter and more talented than you are now is such a sad thought. It is one of the saddest actually. It's an anxiety I often entertain. My thoughts go something like this: I hope I'm not ruined. I hope adulthood hasn't sucked all the life and humor out of me and made me a human asshole, producing only shit. So many adults are human assholes, just brainless mutants of

Three Coming

2011-08-24T11:02:00.000-07:00

"But I cannot be worrying-worrying all the time about the truth. I have to worry about the truth that can be lived with. And that is the difference between losing your marbles drinking the salty sea, or swallowing the stuff from the streams. My Niece-Of-Shame believe in the talking cure, eh?" says Alsana, with something of a grin. "Talk, talk, talk and it will be better. Be honest, slice

2011-08-18T08:53:00.001-07:00

"Bad luck isn't brought by broken mirrors, but by broken minds."

2011-08-17T14:54:00.000-07:00

"I would take a bullet for you." "You always say that. Let's go to a shooting range and you can prove it." "Ok, but aim for my shoulder."

2011-08-08T11:37:00.001-07:00

One thing leads to another thing, leads to another thing, leads to another thing and pretty soon you're damned.

2011-08-08T10:33:00.000-07:00

For some reason the phrase: "variety is the spice of life," keeps resonating in my head. I don't think anyone has said it to me recently, and I certainly don't use it, yet it keeps popping into my thoughts. It's really starting to piss me off.

Well well well

2011-08-08T10:10:00.000-07:00

She told me her best friend sleeps amidst a sea of cockroaches, on a blanket on the floor of some shitty tenement apartment. This is a poor interpretation of asceticism, if you ask me.

Chew on this

2011-08-05T15:15:00.001-07:00

So, this young guy from the south gets back home from the war in Iraq. He's so depressed and fucked up after everything he did/saw there that he's really horrible to be around. He's mean to everyone, he hardly does anything, and he just hates life. One day his dad (this old southern dude) gets fed up. He hands his son a loaded shotgun and tells him, "Here son, take this out into the woods, real

I remember when

2011-08-05T14:38:00.000-07:00

I remember when you showed up at my bedroom door with a sesame bagel (scooped out) and a small hot chocolate. You let yourself in because one of my roommates left the apartment unlocked. It was very cold that morning. Fresh snow covered the streets and the sky was a dark white. It seemed like no one was going outside; there were very few footprints on the sidewalk. (Later that morning I

Oy

2011-08-05T13:22:00.001-07:00

I must remember to be thankful. It's just the loneliness that gets to me.

Below post

2011-08-05T13:07:00.001-07:00

That was taken from 2005. I had that mood indigo then. Just like now. I wonder what my boss thinks of me sitting at my desk listening to all this depressing old music. Nothing is funnier than unhappiness, eh?

October 24th 2005

2011-08-01T17:39:00.000-07:00

:( i'm trying to remember a time when i felt more worthless. it was probably a couple years back. i know being negative just makes things 1000x worse, but i don't know what else to do. i feel like that girl on truelife: i want to be a wakeboarder. puts up a facade for everyone, can pretend things are fine for a while, but goes home and finds that kids had spray painted her lamb. attacked

Ah Summer

2011-08-01T13:53:00.000-07:00

Summer, you bring the allure of sun, fun and romance. I write this as I sit at my desk at work with the blinds closed. I've been running a fever for the past week. I'm just not in the mood for you, summer. I'm fucking pissed and disappointed. Could it be winter already? Thanks.

Oh and...

2011-07-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

All of that shit you talk is only a symptom of your own self loathing. Get real. Get help.

2011-07-28T10:44:00.000-07:00

Time means everything. Memory means nothing. What you say to me is more important than what you said to me. What we say to each other is not what we mean to say to each other. What we think to say is what we could never even utter. What we regret is thinking about what we could not do. Everything that passes is because of time. Time means everything. Memory means nothing. The one thing I won't

I wonder...

2011-07-19T14:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it really is just "Birds of a feather flock together." Especially with people who tend to travel in herds. I'm not that type. I'm a natural loner.

The Poets...

2011-07-04T18:05:00.000-07:00

"I am of today and before," he said then, "but there is something in me that is of tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and time to come. I have grown weary of the poets, the old and the new: superficial they all seem to me, and shallow seas. Their thoughts have not penetrated deeply enough; therefore their feelings did not touch bottom. "Some lust and some boredom: that has so far been their

At work

2011-07-04T17:41:00.001-07:00

At work I am not amused. I use my spare time there for self-analyzing and according to my therapist this has helped me and I have improved. I don’t tell her that’s what I do at work, but I do tell her about my outlook, my life, my thoughts and my actions and she says it has improved. I have improved. Yes, yes people should improve and improving is a process. A process that initiates at a desk,

Lovers Quarrels

2011-07-04T17:38:00.001-07:00

You sat by the window, your hair disheveled. You wouldn’t look at me. - Now you know how it feels. The silence rippled and shook. - I can’t leave. - Yes. You can. Now take care. Take good care. One step, and then another. Out the door and slam. I’ll take care. I’ll take fucking care. I’ll take fucking great care. Take, good, care. What are you, my grandmother? Who are you, the

The subway

2011-07-04T17:33:00.001-07:00

Your sallow skin and metal eyes. Don’t look at me. You don’t look kind. All cold, with your three silver rings, one gold, and a crumby black leather jacket. Who is your sorry wife? Does she know you stare? Is she even still alive? Please, please don’t look at me. But you don’t hear. You listen to other things. You listen to the train, to the doors open and close, bing bing, but you don’t

Fleeting romance

2011-07-04T17:31:00.001-07:00