don't confront me with my failures, i have not forgotten them.

my recent past has left me with a gnawing distrust in people; particularly in the people i love or care about (as everyone knows, those are the ones who can hurt you the most).  although my situation has changed drastically, my distrust remains. i tell myself that my fear of betrayal is no longer grounded in present reality. yet it's hard to mute the voice that governed two years of my life.  a sad, suspicious voice that appeared after repeated disappointments and lies. 

but now it's only my own conscience that continues to betray me.

(thanks, for fucking me in the head.  you did a great job and you know it.)

so here i am, incapacitated by the past, unable to accurately assess the present, and in constant fear of the future. i need to break down these walls.  i try everyday.  but those old feelings are still so real.  

i'm not who i was a year ago. i'm ready to forget and move on. i've been worn down for long enough and i want my shine back. but rationality doesn't dictate emotions and although i'm done with the past, it's sure not done with me. the distrust remains.

now only time is left to heal what reason cannot.  thanks a lot you dumb fuck.  for all the lies you told me and all the unhappiness i endured, i deserve for this mental custody to end.  but i'm still imprisoned by the same sick mindset.  less severe yes, but definitely still present. 

that's what you get when you fall in love: anger, mental instability, and another chance to catch pneumonia.  fuck it.  i'm alone and i've never had no one, ever.