October 24th 2005

:( i'm trying to remember a time when i felt more worthless. it was probably a couple years back. i know being negative just makes things 1000x worse, but i don't know what else to do. i feel like that girl on truelife: i want to be a wakeboarder. puts up a facade for everyone, can pretend things are fine for a while, but goes home and finds that kids had spray painted her lamb. attacked something that never provoked attack or ridicule in the first place. that's the worst. when you dont know why. i seriously feel like i haven't done anything that horrible to anyone. and yet there's all this shit i get. and there's everything i don't get. i mean the only thing i can think of is it all elludes down to who i am.
there's something i do that really makes people hate me. talk tons of shit about me. do what they can to get to me. it's a pattern in my life. it keeps me really caged in, i don't trust anyone. everything i say is misinterpreted. i appoligize and i even do that the wrong way. i wonder what it is about me. i feel like i can't even have a conversation. i feel like there's something they know that i dont know. my life is some ironic joke that is constantly being shit on. nothing is straight forward. nothing goes right. i'm starting to feel that feeling you get when you walk down the street and you think everyone hates you.

i'm starting to feel like i want to live inside my covers and never leave. more things go right with my eyes closed than open.