New Years Eve Always Terrifies Me, Life Knows Nothing of Years.

A New Year. A time of resolutions, realignment, restarting, reviving, re-re-re... reflecting and remembering before releasing. In the weeks before the New Year we remember, and as the clock ticks down to midnight we forget. We forget through drunkenness and celebration, like some sort of cathartic ritual meant to set our sight forward. After the ball drops, and the couples kiss, and the confetti is thrown, the past is meant to be shed like a cicadas skin.

I spent this New Years in Brooklyn at my brothers apartment with Katie. Their apartment was decorated with many clear balloons and they served pigs in blankets and spinicopeta, along with punch and cocktails. Earlier this year my brother got married, and this was their first New Year together as a married couple. Soon they will move to Paris together and really shed their past life in Brooklyn, if only for a couple years. New year, new life, new city. It's very romantic. I am really going to miss my brother though and thinking of him moving a continent away makes me a little emotional.

New Years resolution: stop being so emotional.

Earlier at my house Katie said to me in a wide eyed way, "Imagine what it's like to be married." I shook my head and said "Soon people we know will start getting married. Could you imagine me married?" She said she could. But the first thing I thought of after her affirmation was: well, there are no guarantees in this life. Bleak, yes. I guess my recent romantic escapades, which have been far and few, have also been consistently disappointing. The kind of interactions that leave you feeling more lonely than you were in the first place. Gosh that sounds awful.

But now it's a New Year, and it's time for a reawakening. I'm not looking for love like that, I'm not looking for intimacy. I'm looking for passion. Passion in my work, in my writing. You know, the love in this labor. I know that if I reawaken my passion for living, for art, for creating, for writing other things will fall into place. That's how life works, isn't it?

So yea, that brings me to my New Years resolutions: to work out a few times a week, to read my book everyday, and to write everyday. Simple and attainable. I mean, those are things I already do. I just want to make them habits. Healthy habits.