Sweet Memories 1

It was a starry warm spring night and the 5 of us were squeezed into Rachael's Honda, listening to a "Graduation 2011/Rachael's Car" mixtape I had burned.  All the windows were rolled down, and we stuck our hands out into the night, feeling the air rush by. I sat in the front with my bare feet up on the dashboard.  We didn't know what to do, so we somehow came to the decision to go to a strip club.  We drove through the back-roads of Ithaca, reading directions off Rachael's iPhone GPS. The trees were draped with a moonlight glow; everything outside of the car felt perfectly silent and still as we rushed by.  Rachael was undoubtedly speeding.  A song came on, a sadder, quieter song I used to like in highschool: "Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that.  Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash under my window.  Park that car, shut that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me."  I turned it up.  It seemed like an appropriate tune for that moment.  Our lives were about to change, we were about to graduate college. The car grew silent until Blanca started crying:  "I love you guys so much, and I will never see you guys, you all live on the East Coast and I am going to be in California.  I'm going to miss this, I'm going to miss you guys."  We consoled her. We said we'd all see each other, that we'd talk, reminisce, and things would be fine. We all knew things would be fine.  But different.  We loved these drives together, these college nights together, and they were about to become memories.  The song ended, and it felt like everyone in the car exhaled.  We pulled up to the strip club only to find it was closed.  Like an epitaph to the moment we all started laughing. We decided to buy 40's, drive to the graveyard and drink there instead.

Evening Twilight

O night! O refreshing darkness! to me you are the signal for an inner feast, my deliverer from anguish! In the solitude of the plain, in the stony labyrinths of the metropolis, scintillation of stars, bright bursts of city lights, you are the fireworks of my goddess Liberty!

Twilight, how sweet you are, how tender!  The rosy glow lingering on the horizon like the last agony of day conquered by victorious night; the flames of the candelabra making dull red splashes against the sunset's dying glory; the heavy draperies that some unseen hand draws out the depth of the East - it all seems to imitate those complex sentiments that at life's most solemn moments war with each other in man's heart.

Or it may remind one of those curious costumes dancers wear, that reveal under dark transparent gauze the muted splendors of a dazzling skirt, just as the delicious past shines through the somber present; and the gold and silver stars sprinkled over it, represent the fires of fancy that shine brightly only in the deep mourning of the night.

Spring Awakening

Oh wow, finally the clouds and coldness have departed and spring is here.  It is so beautiful out.  So refreshing.  That personal renewal I was talking about in [so] many other entries is finally being realized; the seeds of change planted months ago are now beginning to grow.  I feel a shift in my head.  Of course hindsight is 20/20, but I'm now beginning to see the err of my ways. 

I really can't go into it here without using incredible vagaries, but basically I shouldn't ever feel like I have to apologize for being me, for having my own wants and needs.  As Gretchen from Real Housewives of Orange County says: "Happiness is never having to apologize for being me."  This is beginning to sound like a self help novel (minus the RHWOC quote), but I will continue nonetheless considering no one reads this. There are certain people in this life who will try to make you feel like you need to compromise who you are and what you need in order to be close with them; we all encounter these types.  They're intrinsically selfish in the relationship.  I say "in the relationship" because we can only evaluate our own interactions with other people.  They could be completely different with someone else (although it's doubtful).

A close relationship involves acceptance, understanding and mutual sacrifice.  To feel like your own simple needs and desires are unreasonable is usually a sign that you are being emotionally manipulated.  Perhaps not intentionally, but manipulated nonetheless.  The person who is making you feel this way is only in the relationship for their own personal gain.  You're there to serve them, and not vice versa.  Otherwise they'd be attentive to what would make you feel loved, happy, and secure instead of making you question it. To feel like you can't be yourself with someone you're supposed to be close with is a very confusing and dissatisfying feeling.  If you're in a delicate life position you might even start to question yourself.  That's when the trouble begins.  As I said, hindsight is 20/20, and if I find myself in another situation like this, I will know to remove myself.  My own personal fault was letting it go on for so long.  What bullshit! All's well that ends well, and I learned a valuable lesson.  I'm thankful for that. I'm not resentful, I'm just so over it.   

Now that the lesson has been learned, it's as if the universe's flood gates have opened and here comes new things, new beginnings, and I am ready.

Imagining the Mind

Twenty-four centuries ago Chuang Tzu dreamt he was a butterfly.  "I dreamt I was a butterfly flying through the air and knowing nothing of Chuang Tzu."  When he awoke he said he did not know if he was a man who had a dream he was a butterfly or a butterfly dreaming he was a man.