The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere. That is why so much of social life is exhausting; one is wearing a mask.

...how to remain whole in the midst of the distractions of life; how to remain balanced, no matter what centrifugal forces tend to pull one off center; how to remain strong, no matter what shocks come in at the periphery and tend to crack the hub of the wheel.

"That's another thing about New York. No one smiles here," the old man said, turning to his younger companion as the three of us were exiting the elevator.

I walked out of the building, scooting ahead of them and not bothering to hold the lobby door behind me.

No one smiles here. No one smiles. Here. No one. Smiles.

There were only three of us in the elevator. It seemed rather ridiculous that he couldn't wait a second until I was out of ear shot to make such a comment. Undoubtedly my pensive frown was meant to be an example of his generalization about New Yorkers.

I smile when I have good reason to, and have always felt that it's wise to use ones smiles judiciously. Maybe that's what the old man meant. That here in New York smiling at a stranger is a means to an end, rather than an end in itself. I smile for that free latte the barista at Starbucks sometimes gives me, and occasionally I smile at intriguing people in the hopes of sparking conversation if I'm in a free spirited mood. Otherwise doling out smiles to strangers on the street, in the elevators, in the subway, or anywhere really, just seems so... odd. Doing so would only arouse suspicion.

If someone smiles at me on the street, I check to see if my fly is undone, or if there's food smudged somewhere on my face, and lastly, if I still have my wallet.

NEW YEARS THOUGHTZ

Jane's Thoughts: I hope John kisses me at midnight this New Year's like he did last New Year. Maybe this time we'll even go farther than just kissing. I mean, anything could happen, it is New Years after all. Last New Years that kiss was just, I don't know, just perfect. And then when he touched my breasts and kissed my neck, ugh. It gets me warm even thinking about it.

...But we're just friends. No. We're best friends. I know him so well. I know he's waiting: waiting until he can treat me right, until he can date me, until we can actually be together. I mean, that is what he told me after last New Years. He said he didn't want to hook up with me until he could actually date me. We had a 'talk' about it the week after. It was sweet of him to talk to me, he didn't have to. He said he wants to hold off on hooking up with me so we can preserve the friendship we have until he's ready to give it his all. Give 'us' his all.

He doesn't want to hurt me by acting like, immature, but once he's ready we can actually be together. I've been so patient. He'll get bored of the other girls soon. Maybe this New Years will be the time, the new beginning, he'll be more mature and ready. Ready for us. Who knows, I won't get ahead of myself, I'll just go to the gym everyday this month, lose ten pounds, look my best and see what happens.

Jane's Subconscious Thoughts: Marriage. Wedding. Babies. Marriage. Commitment. Wedding. Best friends since Freshman year of Ivy League University Education. Stay at Home Mom in the Perfect Home. Perfect couple. Future. Marriage. Union. Eternity. Love.


John's Thoughts: It's too bad Jane's not more attractive. She'd do anything for me, I mean, anything, but it's just like, I don't find her attractive. I don't know man, she's a great girl, and we're best friends, so I don't want to hurt her. I shouldn't have made out with her last New Years. She just likes me so much, she's always, I don't know, there? It was smart to tell her I didn't want to hook up with her until I can actually treat her right. Yea. That way her feelings weren't hurt, and she still likes me. Let 'er down easy.

John's Subconscious Thoughts: Like me. Love me. Remind Me I'm Great. Like me. Me. Me. Good Guy. Tell me I'm a Good Guy. Like me. Love me. Let me do What I Want.