Oh and my new mantra to deal with the insanity of the "drama den" that I reside in: Keep my thoughts on my goals.  Obstacles are only in view when you don't have a clear enough idea of your goals or where you're going. 

Hello, Ithaca.  Goodbye Thanksgiving break.  I'm sitting here in my still unpacked, messy room, mulling over everything except statistics.  Fuck statistics.  

I'm wondering why I continue to publish my internal reveries to an audience that doesn't exist.  No one knows about this blog (although if they were interested enough to search me they'd find it easy enough).  It's like writing a message in a bottle and casting it out into the sea.  Maybe someone will find it.  And then what?

I wonder how many people address letters to God and put them in the mail. There has got to be a fair amount of letters like that. Where do all those letters go?  Someone should publish them.

At least hating me has really brought some people together - former enemies, distant acquaintances, and long lost friends have each become united in their unadulterated dislike for me.  Ah, humanity.  When you kick me in the face that's just not enough for you, you need to add that little bitch slap for further humiliation.  Bravo.  Encore, please!

all my old friends arent so friendly. all my own thoughts are now haunting me.

I've shut down.  I can't handle this anymore.  Goodbye.

I must be one of the devil's daughters.  When people see me they scandalize my name.  They look at me with scorn.  Sometimes I hang my head in shame.  Sometimes it's like being in chains.   I'm going down to the devil's water.  I'm gona drown in that troubled water.  It's comin' round my soul. It's way beyond control.

strength strength strength. 

Insanity. Disengage.  Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.  I won't fuel the fire any longer.  What a waste of energy.

Who was I kidding?  This is all too confusing.  Gordon was right.  Now I'm going through the emotional repercussions of my break-up and I have to keep myself safe.  I'm still vulnerable.  If I forget who I can trust then I'm back to where I started.  I've come so far, there's no way I'm going back.  I'm going to shut off these emotions, shut down to everyone who can hurt me.  This is enough already and I'm not going to deal with it.  I'm better than this. This can be a lesson in self control.  I will hurt you with my stoic non-chalance.  You are sick in the head my friend. Very, very sick in the head.  I will not take part in it.  I sent the last text.  This is over. Be strong Sophia, don't give in to petty words.  You know they're lies.  It's all lies.  It took him 2 days to exploit my vulnerabilites, take advantage of the small amount of trust I put in him, and turn it all around on me.  A friend doesn't try to make you feel insecure, alone and small.  He's transparent. I can't let him subvert me.  This is ridiculous.

religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell, spirituality is for those who have already been there.

Well that reminds me of an old joke, this man walks into a doctors office and says, "Doctor, my brothers totally crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And the doctor says, "Well why don't you turn him in?" And the man says, "Well I would, but I need the eggs." I guess that's my view on relationships- they're totally crazy, irrational and absurd, but we keep on having them because most of us need the eggs.

Public Enemy

What's so attractive about Johnny Depp in "Public Enemy"? He's loyal.  Extremely loyal.  That is a quality I admire so much, and I aspire to be that loyal pit bull to those I love.  To those who deserve it.

When everything you loved was a lie, how can you learn to trust yourself again?  That's the dilemma I'm in right now.  I can't see a way out.  I've just got to shut down.

Bi-Polar Rantings, Don't be Scared.

Oh God.  I'm in a lull again.   Work doesn't feel right.  Relaxing doesn't feel right.  Sleeping doesn't make me rested.  When I try to talk the words die half way out of my mouth.  I censure my thoughts.  I judge my own conscious.  I feel like crying, and then when I reflect I feel like I should be laughing.  I have no reason to cry.  I only have reason to laugh at my own foolishness.  And at the foolishness I am surrounded by.  Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.  

This farce will never end.  It's all there is.  Nothing comes next.  So when will I stop acting like the next scene is about to start?  When will I stop believing in that valiant ending, where everything is happy and beautiful?  I want to walk through the park when all the swans are sleeping. I want to stroll through a garden of hydrangeas at dusk. I want to watch fireflies blinking over the long grass.  I want those to be the important things in life.  Stillness.  Where the questions disappear.  I'm ready to face the nothing that is not there and the nothing that is.

It's time for inertia to settle over my mind.  These emotional displays are tedious, even for myself.  Or more so for myself?  I've gained quite a reputation.  But do I care?  I can't say I do.  

don't confront me with my failures, i have not forgotten them.

my recent past has left me with a gnawing distrust in people; particularly in the people i love or care about (as everyone knows, those are the ones who can hurt you the most).  although my situation has changed drastically, my distrust remains. i tell myself that my fear of betrayal is no longer grounded in present reality. yet it's hard to mute the voice that governed two years of my life.  a sad, suspicious voice that appeared after repeated disappointments and lies. 

but now it's only my own conscience that continues to betray me.

(thanks, for fucking me in the head.  you did a great job and you know it.)

so here i am, incapacitated by the past, unable to accurately assess the present, and in constant fear of the future. i need to break down these walls.  i try everyday.  but those old feelings are still so real.  

i'm not who i was a year ago. i'm ready to forget and move on. i've been worn down for long enough and i want my shine back. but rationality doesn't dictate emotions and although i'm done with the past, it's sure not done with me. the distrust remains.

now only time is left to heal what reason cannot.  thanks a lot you dumb fuck.  for all the lies you told me and all the unhappiness i endured, i deserve for this mental custody to end.  but i'm still imprisoned by the same sick mindset.  less severe yes, but definitely still present. 

that's what you get when you fall in love: anger, mental instability, and another chance to catch pneumonia.  fuck it.  i'm alone and i've never had no one, ever.